Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severally inappropriate but, I sure did say it anyway. Part 1

     Yeah long title I know but as it holds true to this blog post I am sticking with it.  I have been going to this particular podiatrist for many months before the really dumb things started coming out of my mouth.  I hope anyway but truthfully dumb things come out of my mouth all the time so hell I really don't know.  My mom came up to help me out after I had surgery on my ankle.  She met said doctor and told me that I was older then him.  She told me many other things too but since I have no way of knowing if those things are correct because I was not brave enough to ask him those things I am just going to stick with the being younger then me thing.  After she told me I kinda freaked out because it made me realize that maybe, just maybe I was starting to get old.  After arguing about if he was older then me or not I had to ask because I wanted to win the argument.  The conversation went something like this...

Me:  You have my medical records right there in your hand so you can see my birthday.  I need to know are you older then me?

Dr: Looking around at my medical records but can't find my birthday (which now makes me wonder how well he knows how to read medical records hmm kinda scary) Ummm

Me:  OK I will just tell you.  I was born in (should I really tell you blog world or should I lie right now???) '79 (truth, I told the truth).

Dr: I was born in '79 also. 

Me: Damn

Dr: Not the reaction I was expecting.  It's the grey hair isn't it?  I look older because of my grey hair and the beard.  If I shaved then I look like I'm 17 (really 17? I don't think so) so I grow the beard to make people feel comfortable (I later find out that he is just too lazy to shave his full beard and that goatee's are too much work to keep up).

Me: I just thought that you were older then me.  What month were you born?

Dr: May

Me: Damn, wait what day?  I still have a chance to win this argument.

Damn! This is when I find out that he is a whole whopping 6 days younger then I am.  I then proceed to tell him that I am going to start calling him Junior.

Dr: Can I call you senior then?

Me: Not if you want to walk out of this office. 
*Note to reader never threaten your PODIATRIST with not being able to walk out of the office especially if they are still helping you walk.

     A few weeks after that I went to see Jr. (I will now start calling him Jr because that is what I call him at the appointments) I had developed a blood clot in my hand. While he was feeling my hand where the blood clot was I told him that everything was going to be okay I had been massaging it so that it would break up and go to my brain (I have to follow that statement with this.... I know that that is not funny to say.  I know that you are NOT supposed to massage blood clots.  I also have a mother that is a nurse and a sister that is a nurse that I had told the same joke to earlier that day.  They didn't think it was funny either) He looked at me for just a second.  I think he was trying to figure out if I was being serious or if I was telling a very distasteful joke.  Luckily he believed me when I told him it was a joke  and then I asked him very nicely to please NOT put that in my medical records (sad to say that wasn't the only time I had to ask him not to do that). He then  told me how to fix it but also wanted to consult with someone to make sure that I didn't need more medical attention then I actually did. 
     The following night while at the movies I got an voice mail that went something like this.
     Hey, this is Doctor Junior (he refused to call himself that even though I thought that it was a great nickname). I talked to my colleagues about the blood clot and aldkjflkdfj(that would be the fuzzy noise of break up on that your cell phone makes) dangerous aldkjfdlfjkd, if that happens go to the emergency room and alkdfja;ldkfjdlfj, other then that you should be fine. If you las;djfkjflkj call my office.  Thanks, Junior.
     What the hell was that? I could of died during the movie!  I am freaking going to die! Did I just hear that right he said lakdjfldsjf dangerous and falskdfj;ldkfj emergency room!  Needless to say I didn't sleep well that night nor did I go to the emergency room.
     The following day I called Juniors office and left my name and number for him to call back.  Did I hear back from Junior? No! I had to wait all weekend and call back again on Monday.  When he finally called me back this is our conversation
    
JR: Hey, I just got your message to call you what can I help you with?

Me: Um, well I just have a few questions about the message you left for me (I am at this point completely convinced that I am about to stroke out at any moment.  By the way sometimes I over react.  I am also completely surprised that I am able to stay as calm as I was right then).

JR: OK what's your question?

Me: I didn't exactly get to hear all of your message that you left me.  I heard (insert man voice here, because that is exactly what I did. I made a deep man voice and tried to talk like JR) Hey this is Jr. I talked to my colleagues about the blood clot and something, something, blah, blah, blah...(Yep I decided to go with that instead of trying to make the weird static noise that the phone makes when it breaks up.  I just thought that that would be less humiliating).

Jr: Did you just something, something, blah, blah, blah my message I left?

As you can see I didn't exactly think that one through.  I did something, something, blah, blah, blah him. Was that rude? I didn't think so.
*Note to reader Never something, something, blah, blah, blah... a message you have gotten from your doctor.  Just try to make the static noise instead.  Plus also if your a girl don't talk to him in a man voice.  No matter how good you think your man voice is, it never comes out right and you just sound ridiculous.