Mustache edicate

As most of you know I have a thing for mustache's. And boy does that pay off. I got a ton of mustache things for Christmas! I do have mustache rules and here they are


1. You are only allowed to have a mustache if

a. you are older then 50


b. It is attached to a beard or goatee


2. You must keep said mustache well groomed. No letting it grow over you lip


3. You must clean it after every meal. It is not a food storage unit. You are not saving anything for later.


4. It is still not cool to have one only for "mustache march, mustache may, or movember" These are not real celebrations. I don't care that you can grow it out for 1 whole month and not shave it. If you are going to do that then dang it grow a beard too.


5. You will look like Chester the Molester if you use mustache wax to make your mustache curl up. Is that what you want? Do you want me cross to the other side of the road and whisper to my kids to not make eye contact with the pedophile? Because I will.

The moon walking stripper

I was at the grocery store the other day when I passed the thing on the aisle I was looking for. So I did the moon walk backward. Hello who is going to pass up an opportunity to moon walk? The lady next to me started laughing at me. I told her that I don't normally dance in public places..... anymore. And especially not for money..... anymore.

A normal conversation

A typical fb message between my friends and I go something like this

N(Nice-song-her):I just need to know that we are going to to celebrate the Hunger Games coming out on DVD, or I will not be able to sleep tonight. I am not kidding. I can host it, just need to plan a day. I know it is BIRTHDAY WEEK, so tell me when you want to do it, this Saturday or next week? Or we can include it as a pivotal point of the birthday celebrations! Or as part of girls' night.

M(Me):I'm game!

R(Risky):IT'S MY BIRTHDAY WEEK!!! I am so excited! I am hosting the Murphy Olympics at my house this Saturday. The invite is going out tomorrow. I would love to get together and do a Hunger Games night sometime just not this Saturday.

B(BFF):I am watching it Friday morning! I can't wait for Saturday :) No seriously it depends on the night. Let me know what you guys scheme up

M:I'm good Friday day

R:That is the ward camp out

M:I am good with missing the ward campout! Lol!

B:I have my garage sale and campout Friday too

R:You all better be coming to the olympic games at my house on Saturday. It is going to be EPIC!!!

B:what olympic games? are you serious?

M:I am going Risky! What can I do to help? Or bring?

R:The Murphy Olympic Games!!!

B:I wasn't invited

I will be toilet papering your house

M:Shhhh that was our secret julieanne

R:I will send the invite out tomorrow. Cupcake Frostitute we need to get together and talk shop for the games.

B: the egg part and forking was secret

R: No one has been invited yet! Calm down BFF!

M: Oh yeah that's right

B: FINE what time?

I have this garage sale you know

M: Screw the garage sale

R:Saturday at two. It will be Epic!!

B:Epic hasn't failed me yet

we will be there

R:That's right this will only happen every two years!!

M:I'm not going to winter Olympic games just a heads up

Unless they are held inside

B: you are the host for winter Cupcake

M:Or in Hawaii

Or on a cruise ship

R:HAHA! YOu guys are making me laugh

M:Or bora bora

But hey I'm not picky

R:Bring a snow suit! It will be fun

B:how do you do winter olympics there?

M:You leave the winter out of it

I don't do snow suits

I thought I would have you on board with anything warm julieanne

B:you + snow suit = peeing my pants

now I must see the olympic winter games

R:I am sure R and MFTL12 (which is a nickname for my friend who looks 12 but is really 26) are going to get a kick out of this converstaion.

B:Nice-song-her and MFTL12 in snowsuit......that would be great too!

R:I have heartburn.

M:I would look like abominable snowman

R:I think I might have to poo

M:Oh that sucks I hate heartburn but I like to poo

R:Going poo is the best ever!!!

M:Yeah it is!

B:I am not part of this

Risky!

M:Whatever I don't even think you poo

R:Oh yes you are!!!

B:Cupcake!

M:It probably osmosis's out of your body!

R:I am dying right now! this is so funny.

M:Don't die just go poo!

It's ok if you take your phone. Just no pictures please!

R:I am not going to be able to sleep tonight

B:the images

R:Too Far CUPCAKE!!!

B:She will pay for this later

M:Your only mad cuz I ruined your fun Risky

R:I am still laughing don't worry

B:we should do this every night

same time

R:I really cant wait for the others to read this thread.

M:No kidding

R:By the way I am home. Fairbanks was super hot and really fun

B:you were missed

M:And the fair food?

Oh yeah you were missed

M:Amazing!

M:BFF and I partied

R:I am sure you did but it was lame without me there

B:we made plans

R:every party sucks without me there.

B:be scared

very scared

R:I like plans and I like to be scared

M:We went and picked up a playhouse full of spiders

R:I am so good with this

M:Fun right?

B:and tell her about the guy

your observation of the guy

R:Was he Naked!!!

B:wait

M:He had boobs!!! Was that the part?

B:don't go there

nevermind

R:I like stories with random naked people

M:I don't

R:Naked people need love to Cupcake!

B:He was NOT naked

You two

M:Ewwww NO!!!!

I didn't say naked I said boobs

R:I dont even know what you guys are talking about but I think it would be better with more naked people and poop talk.

M:I have read this convo to My hunna several times. He was scared and confused

B:He is a boy. He won't get it

R:I am also confused.

B:you are not

R:I am not a boy!

B:my point

M:Plus we are awesome!

B:you just need to go to the bathroom

or bed

R:It's my birthday week starting tomorrow!!

B:you know....dene asked me if your bday week started today or tomorrow

R:I am good now it was just gas.

The best part about this conversation is the original message was sent by my friend who insisted that she wouldn't be able to sleep until she gets the Hunger Games viewing all figured out.  Then never got back onto FB to see if it got figured out.  She went straight to bed and fell asleep no problem at all.

Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severalyy inappropriate but I sure did say it anyways. Part 4

Okay folks this is my final installment of inappropriate things I have said to Junior.  Only because the D-bag moved away without fixing me all of the way first.  This last part will mostly consist of dumb one liners I said to him.

Lets start with:
I had a mustache decal on my fingernails and when he asked what it was I told him and finished off by saying.... I have a thing for mustache's. Not in the creepy pedofile drive a windowless van kind of way, but the pop culture wore as a necklace or a photo prop kind of way.  But also with a goatie or beard or if your over 50.  Not in the Molestache March kind of way.

Talking about if I had to move back to Idaho...
I would kill myself if I had to move back to Idaho. Please don't put that in my record.

One day Junior asked me how my foot was feeling. I told him that I could answer him one of three different ways.  He could pick what way he wanted me to answer him.  I could answer him like I would tell my kids, the way I would normally answer my doctor, or the way I would answer my friends.  His choice was my friend answer.

I was blunt. I was honest and I answered with one of my favorite sayings.  It's direct and straight to the point.  "It's sucks balls!" Let me add I find this the perfect description to many a sucky  (Sucky? Suckish? yeah I will stick with sucky) things. Sucking balls is not a pleasant thing.  It's just one of those things at times you just have to suck it up (no pun intended) and get it over with.  See perfect description of many things.  The last time this was said to Junior he said something along the lines of that he didn't really know what that was like.  Of course I thought of many a things I could use as an analogy that he may be able to relate to but luckily for me my filter finally popped up (which is rare but sometimes I am given just a brief moment when someone says something that catches me off guard and I have just that brief second where heaven intervenes and my filter pops up and stops me from saying the many, many things that I think would be funny). I did tell him that I could think of many of things but they were just to crude to say out loud.  Hello like sucking balls isn't a crude thing to say. I then have to remind him that there will be no laughing while giving me an injection in the bottom of my foot.  Take my word for it... It hurts!

The very last time I talked to Junior was on the phone.  He was answering a question I had.  I interrupted him to ask...
Me: "Are you sick?"
Jr: "Yes. Why"?
Me: "You sound like a phone sex operator."
Jr: Laughing hysterically "It's got to be fun being married to you".
Me: "Yeah probably but I feel bad for my husband because he never knows what I am going to say next but that's ok because I never know either.  Sorry I always say the most inappropriate things to you."
Luckily I didn't keep going to tell him that he sounded like a tranny phone sex operator.

Back it up!

Let me set the scene.  I am at the check out line at Old Navy with my friend JoJo.  She is about to pay and the checker is about to start on my items.  I look up to find the line that had at only moments ago consisted of her and me has been bombarded with people and is now 9 people deep.
The checker at this point is now overwhelmed.  He then realises that he is going to need help.  He says frantically into his walkie talkie  "I need back up"!  I think I might have been possessed by Michael Jackson because before I know it I am saying in my best White trash voice (wait is Michael Jackson white? Never mind who really knows that answer anyway) "Back it up now! Back it up!" At the same time I moon walk backwards.  Folks I don't know how to moon walk (coincidence?) but I sure am moon walking.
After the realization of what I just did sets in I start laughing and slightly mortified at myself.  The lady behind me in line says to me "I love that you just did that.  I love even more that you were a little embarrassed of yourself just then".
That is when I realized that I didn't need to be embarrassed anymore.  Someone out there loves me and my dance moves!

Number 2 and other bathroom humor.

I have this thing with bodily functions.  They do not bode well with me.  I do not care for seeing them, hearing them, or hearing jokes about them.  I think that bodily functions should happen in the privacy of your bathroom or a room when you are all by yourself.
I was at a 4th of July celebration a couple weeks ago talking with a couple that I had just met.  They seemed like relatively normal people beside the fact that the husband would not stop talking about poop. I thought that I would handle the poop humor the good old fashion passive aggressive way and bring up something that he might feel uncomfortable with.  I turned to his wife and ask, "So uh when are we going to go see Magic Mike?" 
I was shocked to learn that she had no idea what I was talking about.  I took it upon myself to let her in on the beauty of the male form which is called Magic Mike.  "It's about male strippers.  How could you not of heard of that?"
The look and horror that crossed her face reminded me of the time I accidentally walked in on my parents having sex (I think mine was so much worse.  I could watch Magic Mike over and over again and be completely cool about it. Whereas I think I will have to poke my eyeballs out of their sockets if I have to relive that horrific night when I was a small tween at the bright ole age of 12, when all things  were right and wonderful in the world was ruined by the fact that I just didn't knock on the bedroom door.  Stupid me! Stupid, Stupid me!). You can imagine it right (the face not the my parents having sex part)? That is the look I got.
Her husband turns to me and tells me how he doesn't like this conversation.  I asked him what's not to like about Channing Tatum and Matthew Mcconaughy dancing down to their washboard abs and tight behind. I haven't really seen the movie in the theatre this is how it all goes down in my head. 
From that point I decided that I had tortured them enough with my Magic Mike talk and decided to take the high road and change the subject.  That is until Mr. Husband Man starts talking about #2 again.  Really didn't catch the hint the first time?
To which point in time I turn to his wife and tell her how we should plan a trip to Las Vegas to go and see The Thunder from Down Under.  Because we doesn't want to see that?
The poor wife stuck between my inappropriate male stripping talk and her husbands disgusting talk about the bathroom.  At this point the husband had had enough.  He turns to me and tells me that he doesn't think that this conversation is appropriate and that his wife doesn't appreciate it either.  I secretly think that he was just holding a grudge because he didn't get the lead role like he really wanted.  That was when his hopes and dreams of being a dancer were crushed. I guess next time I should be more sensitive to his hurt feelings.

Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severally inappropriate but I sure did say it anyway. Part 3

Are you just as surprised that there are 3 parts to this blog post as I am? But really there is one more after this?  .  I want to let you know that I don't always say completely inappropriate things.  Sometimes it's him.  For example at Christmas time I brought Junior and the staff at his office Christmas treats.  I was not really sure if that was a weird thing to do so I called my friend whose husband is a doctor and I asked her if her husband has received treats from any of his patients.  Her response was "Yeah but they are all old ladies."  She then proceeded to tease me about being old.  She thought it was even more amusing when she found out that the reason I brought the Christmas cookies to Juniors office when I did is because I had to pick up my orthotics.  It took her a good 10 minutes of solid laughing before she could calm down enough to carry on a conversation.  Right then and there I vowed that I would never bring treats to another Doctor again for fear of being called old.
At my next doctor's appointment Junior comes into the office and thanks me of the wonderful treats.

Me: "You're welcome I hope you liked them because you will be the last doctor that I ever bring treats to".

Jr: "What? That is ridiculous. Your food was delicious.  Why?"

I then went on to tell Junior all about the conversation with my friend to which he replied

Jr:  "Tell your friend Screw You.  Those were some of the best treats I have ever had".
I have never heard a Doctor tell their patient to tell anyone friend "Screw You"  But you sure can bet that I am going to listen very intently to what ever other doctor says to me.  I might just hear it again.  If you have heard your doctor say that or anything like it.  Let me know I am curious.

Note to readers: Do not bring your doctor food into the office unless you want everyone to think you are old.  If you are old feel free to bring it to your doctor's office.  Stop by my house on the way home and bring me some treats too!

There are many conversations that don't end up with me swearing, saying dirty things, or droppin it like it's hot.  Sometimes I just tease.
I went into Juniors office around lunch time.  I often scheduled my appointments around lunch time because it takes me about that much time to get out of the house.  Also if you live in Alaska and it has just snowed they usually have plowed the roads by then, I ended up seeing Junior later then usual and by the time my appointment was wrapping down.  Juniors stomach growled so loud that I could hear it across the room.  He was so embarrassed.  The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Was that your stomach?"

Jr: "Yes, Could you hear that?  I am so hungry."

Me:" Oh it's a good thing that I brought you a cupcake then."

Something very odd happened just then.  I saw this 32 year old man turn into a 8 year old little boy....

Jr (spoken in high pitched, excited little boy voice): "You brought me a cupcake?  I love cupcakes.  That is so nice of you.  Have you heard of Cupcake wars?  I love cupcakes so much that I watch cupcake wars."

Me: "Wow.... Ummm....  I was just kidding." I really felt bad.  I had no idea that Junior was going to have such a huge reactions to such little cupcakes.

The next month I went into his office around lunch time and decided to tease him a bit more. After all his reaction to cupcakes the first time was so funny.

Me: "Guess what? I made you a cupcake."

Jr: Turning back into the man boy that is so in love with cupcakes. "You brought me cupcakes? I love cupcakes.  I can't believe that you brought me cupcakes."

Me in hysterical laughter: "I didn't really.  I can't believe that you fell for it 2 months in a row."

Jr: "Wait you didn't bring me cupcakes?"

Me: "I really did I was just kidding."

Jr: "You really did?  I am so excited. I love cupcakes."

Me: " Seriously (still laughing)? That doesn't get less funny. But no I didn't bring you a cupcake."

Jr: "Really?" All defeated.

Me: "Yeah I really brought you a cupcake."  This time he didn't believe me.  So I didn't give him his cupcakes.

Note to reader: Some jokes really don't get old and just get funnier the more they are said.  Also if you are going to tease your doctor about cupcakes so much make sure that you do have cupcakes with you.  If not the doctor might punish you by say rescheduling  your appointment and being especially late to your next appointment. So Not Cool!

Vagina Bone

There is a little tv show on Bravo that I love.  It is called Pregnant in Heels.  Has anyone ever seen that show?  It's a reality show that follows pregnancy designer/ maternity guru Rosie Pope around and shows her interacting with clients that need some help getting ready for the births of their baby.  This weeks episode Rosie was in L.A. and one of her clients told her that her "Vagina Bone" was having issues so she went to a chiropractor who hit her "vagina bone" with a hammer.  Rosie then draws a picture of a vagina or as she refures to it a "Queen Victoria" (she's from England) and has the client demonstrate how the chiropractor performed his beating with a hammer. 
This made me think of all of the wonderful nicknames that we give our vagina so that we don't have to call it a vagina.  It starts when you are little where if your parents aren't PC they might call it a "peepee" or a "private".  As you get older the words get better like a "hoo ha", a "Cooter" or a "Muff".  And then everyone started using saying it in Hollywood and the every popular "Vajayjay" came about.  My doctor told me my baby had a "front bum".  My little boy asked when my daughter was born if she had a "china".  I am fond of the "vertical smile".
After watching Pregnant in Heels I have decided to change it up and go all proper and start calling my vagina my "Queen Victoria".  If I am going to start doing that though I need to get it vajazzled so my "Queen Victoria" can have some royal jewels of her own.

Things not to say to your health care professional because they are severally inappropriate, but I sure did say it anyway. Part 2

I am one of those really obnoxious people who think they are funny.  You know the type, the ones that laugh at their own jokes even if the joke isn't funny at all.  Yep I am one of those.  Sometimes I can control the stuff that comes out of my mouth but that only happens when I am trying not to say something mean to a normal  human being.  That is if they are acting like a normal human being.  My filter on the other hand does not, I repeat does not pop up when it may have to do with something even remotely sexual.  The thoughts usually come into my head at the most inappropriate times. And it usually happens when I am at Juniors office.  At this particular time I am super frustrated about not being able to bend my ankle.  Which is why for some odd reason this popped out of my mouth...

Junior, How am I supposed to drop it like it's hot, if I can't drop it like it's hot?  As I say this I point to my entire body like it is completely within reason that I a "plus sized", married, thirty something, mom of four, frequently spends my Friday nights out clubbing and "Droppin it like it's hot" instead of head to toe in flannel jammies with my face mask on trying to stay awake past 10 p.m. Good thing Junior has a sense of humor.

*Note to reader: If you are going to ask your Doctor about dropping it like it's hot make sure that
A: Your not at your gynecologist office because you need to get tested for STD's.  Chances are that "Droppin it like it's hot" may be the root of that problem.
or B: Your doctor knows what "Droppin it like it's hot" means.  It is not pretty when you have to describe it to him to which he still doesn't know so then you have to try to demonstrate it for him but can't all of the way because of said ankle problem so you get stuck half way down and just end up falling on your ass to make it seem like it is part of the move.  Then you just shrug and tell him to look it up on YouTube.  Because that could really be embarrassing.

Chloroform. Is it your drug of choice?

Why I love my friends... Text between me and Risky
R: where are you friend? I don't see wilts here. Did he kidnap you?
Me: it's ok I'm at home getting ready. I slept in. Wilts did not I repeat did not kidnap me. I'm fine and safe.
R: party to hard with him last night I see. It is the only explanation that you are both late. Naughty girl!
Me: you are in so much trouble. We aren't friends.
R: I hear his party drug of choice is chloroform. So you aren't totally at fault here.
Me: still not friends.

It's High time I share this story

This may come to a surprised to many (it was a huge surprise to my mom) I have never smoked pot.  I have although been around people when they were smoking pot and have been offered pot before.  But having the fear of my parents, mostly my dad, ingrained on me since a small child I always declined the joint, refusing to even touch the thing when having it offered to me.
  My older brother on the other hand was not as afraid of my dad as I was and smoked pot at least once or twice.  One day while my parents were out on the town I smell a familiar smell wafting through the house.  My older brother lived in the cellar.  It was an ideal place for any teenager to sleep.  It was two rooms and you had to go outside to get to it.  Often times when told to get my brother I would go over to the air vent that connected to his room and yell his name.  It was through this very same air vent that the smoke of pot came up through the house.  As I said, I had been around pot before so I recognized the smell. I walked into the kitchen to yell down at my brother that I knew what he was doing when I looked out the window and saw my parents car pull into the driveway. 
A familiar sense of camaraderie kicked in and I ran out the backdoor down the stairs and burst into my brother's room. 
"Brother, dad and mom are home and I can smell that (pointing to the wacky tobacky) upstairs"!
A look of dread crossed his bloodshot eyes as we both bolted out the cellar door, up the flight of stairs, through backdoor, and into the living room thinking we were going to run straight into my parents.  By the grace of God they had stopped outside to admire their garden and had not made it into the house yet. 
From there it is a blur.  Things happened so fast that I really can't remember who did what and how we were lucky enough to get things accomplished how we did.  I vaguely remember lighting a watermelon incense and running through the house with it.  Windows got opened and like nothing had happened at all my brother was out the backdoor and I was sitting on the coach having just turned on the TV acting like nothing was out of the ordinary. 
My parents walked into the house.  My mom walked in and commented on the smell of the house.  I was so nervous about the situation that the words she said are forever more burned into my head.  She said, " Mmmm it smells so good in here.  It smells fruity like watermelon and some kind of herb.  I can't quite put my finger on it."
Memories of past events mom? That is a question that I will never have an answer for.

One of my really good friends lets call her Furry (I know weird nickname) has also not smoked before.  I am not even sure if she has been around anyone who was smoking pot near her until this one time.... Some great stories start like that.  This one time at a country concert she came into contact with some people who were smoking around her.  She didn't even know what they were smoking.  She kept telling her husband just how good it smelled.  She also experience what some call a contact high and got to enjoy some of the consequences that go along with it (which are basically non existent at least in my experience).  After enjoying the concert (I think you have to be high to enjoy a country concert but that is just my opinion) fuzzy head and all. She left and begged her husband to stop for some food at Taco Bell.  Having scarfed that down she went home and enjoyed all of her chocolate in her fridge.  I can't even imagine how much chocolate that is My Furry Friend believes that you should not go a day without consuming some type of chocolate.  Because of this she has a year supply of chocolate (she is a very good Mormon and believes you should have a years supply of food.  Chocolate was the very first thing she crossed off her list.  Year Supply of Chocolate. Check). 

The next morning she woke up and commented on being so hungry the night before.  Her husband not being as naive as her just chuckled and told her the bad news.  The "great smell" she smelled at the concert was pot.  She was devastated.  She immediately called me and asked if she had to talk to her church leader to confess her sins.  I assured her that she did not need to confess anything.  She was as guilty of smoking pot as she is of smoking cigarettes because she walked passed someone who was smoking as she was going into the grocery store.  She then came to the conclusion that she had gotten a contact high just so that she could know what it was like.  That she might be able to relate to other people or her children if they smoke pot. 

Fast forward a couple years.  I was out walking with my other friend lets call her JoJo.  She was the young age of 33.  I shared with her Furry's story.  When I was finished JoJo turned to me and said
"I know nothing about pot.  I only know things about marijuana."  Why is it that me at the age of 25 had to then tell JoJo that there wasn't a difference between Pot and Marijuana. 

I have had the privilege to "Teach" my friends lots of different things that I think is common knowledge.  Remind me to tell you the time I had to tell my friend what a BJ was.

Happy Birthday Liar Face!

My friends Risky, BFF and I (I am using code names here to keep the identity of the people that I want to keep as friends safe, mostly because I am completely embarrassing on a bad day and mostly embarrassing on a good day) were out on a girls night when the topic of birthdays and when they were came up. I had mentioned to them how I lied to one of my high school friends about when my birthday was so much that to this day she still can't remember the right day.  Man I thought that I was so funny in High School as a matter of fact I still think that I am.  BFF was asked when her birthday was to which she replied "March 19". Risky then put it in her phone so that she could remember when the day was.  Jump forward to January 25th which was a measly 4 days later.  I get a frantic phone call from Risky that goes something like this...

Risky:Bff's birthday is in March right?

Me: Yeah that's what she told us.

Risky: Well, she is a liar face.  According to Facebook TODAY is her birthday!

Me: What? Hold on a second I need to log onto Facebook.  Holy Crap today is her birthday! She lied to us.

Risky: It's kinda freaky how well she lied to us

Me: I'm not ashamed to say that I am sorta proud of her right now.

Risky: We have to get her back.  How are we going to get her back?

Both thinking quietly and texting BFF about what a great big fat liar face she is and how we can't believe she lied to us.

Risky: I know lets throw her a surprise party on her fake birthday, March 19th (insert malicious laughter and rubbing together of hands here) But, we have to do something first to throw her off the scent.  Lets throw a different party for her first.  We will just pick her up and take her out to dinner with some of her close friends.

Me: Great idea.

We did just how we planned we took her out with a small group of friends ( a good idea since she doesn't like being the center of attention and all). But we still had plans for her birthday on the 19th of March.

A couple week before the party we set things in motion.  I was put in charge of getting BFF to Risky's house because I am such a good liar and all.  Now I feel like I need to defend myself here I don't think of myself as a good liar as much as a good actor.  Frequently when I do "lie" or as I refer to it as "act" I tell on myself quickly afterwards. Every once in a while I forget that I have told said lie and later down the line I do have to confess. But I do confess.  Which makes me think that I am in fact a better actor then I am a liar.

Back to my story...

Two weeks before her party Risky and I started feeling out the situation.  We had to figure out if her husband was on call that night (He husband in fact knew nothing of the party and when he found out about it after the fact was very jealous of BFF for getting a party thrown for here.  Risky and I went back and forth about if we should tell BFF's husband about the party and ultimately decided not to. Not because we thought that he couldn't keep a secret. OK I am lying, acting it is totally because we thought that he couldn't keep a secret. We also thought that if by chance he did keep the secret that he would give the party away by acting differently that day). If she wanted to have a girl's night? and if she was OK with doing the girls night on a Monday?  And many more of those important questions.

The day before the party was my time to shine.  I got to "act" my butt off (if only it were that easy).  I texted her about Risky and how she was having such a hard time in her "condition". I really laid it on thick about how hard Risky's life was at the time. I even told her that Risky nearly broke down crying during church about it all.  And how later Risky's husband would corner me and tell me how concerned he was for her.

Everything was going all fine and dandy until BFF decided to get all over come with guilt and told me what a bad friend she was for not noticing all of the things that were going on with Risky. I almost caved right then and there.  Almost.  I felt so bad. But I did what actors do, stayed in character and kept playing my part.  I kept it up as we planned to go and visit Risky the following night.  We were going to bring her a present and a treat to help lighten her mood.  The plan was set for both surprises!

The next day at 7:30 the ladies that were coming to the party were met and bussed out to Risky's house (so that when I got there with BFF she wouldn't see all of the car's parked at Risky's house and be all, What the Crap? and ruin the surprise).  I was then set to pick up BFF.  There was a snag.  There was some people running behind and I had to stall.  And that was when my most important "Acting" role began.

BFF opened the door and excitedly showed me the "Butt Plug" that she had gotten as a gag gift for Risky. I then asked her if I could run by my house to pick something up.  But when I was done with that I had to stall more.  We then went to the grocery store to pick up a treat.  By the time I pulled up to Fred Meyer I received the OK to deliver the package. We quickly ran into Fred Meyer and hopped back into the car to take the package to her final destination.

On the way over to Risky's house I "acted" and bs'ed about everything.  But inside my brain was going a hundred miles an hour. I had to physically stop myself from speeding more.  My heart was beating and I was sweating.  It was like I was going on a first date all over again.  Finally I pulled into Risky's house and I did some awkward little shuffle thing where I was going first up the walk, then I fell behind for her, then bolted up in front of her.  I couldn't decide which was better. Yeah it was weird.  I knocked on the door and let us in.  Risky was just hanging out on the couch. My biggest fear was that BFF was going to be all "Hey Risky here is a butt plug I bought for you.  I hope it makes you feel all better. Because we all know how much better you will feel with your very own handy dandy butt plug".  When that didn't happen it turned into my biggest disappointment of the night.

The plan was and it worked out perfectly that they ladies would hide around the corner and when they saw her they would all jump out and yell at her.  When she finally rounded the corner she was attacked with silly string.  A look of horror and confusion was all over her face.  She turned to me and asked "What is going on"?

I yelled "Surprise Happy Fake Birthday Liar Face!"

We had a great party and I went home in a carb induced coma.  All the way back to drop off BFF we talked about my great lying acting abilities and how the world should be afraid of my skills. How I was up there with Madonna, Kristen Stewart, or any of the other Jessica's in Hollywood.  I will aim for an Oscar but will settle for a Golden Globe.

Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severally inappropriate but, I sure did say it anyway. Part 1

     Yeah long title I know but as it holds true to this blog post I am sticking with it.  I have been going to this particular podiatrist for many months before the really dumb things started coming out of my mouth.  I hope anyway but truthfully dumb things come out of my mouth all the time so hell I really don't know.  My mom came up to help me out after I had surgery on my ankle.  She met said doctor and told me that I was older then him.  She told me many other things too but since I have no way of knowing if those things are correct because I was not brave enough to ask him those things I am just going to stick with the being younger then me thing.  After she told me I kinda freaked out because it made me realize that maybe, just maybe I was starting to get old.  After arguing about if he was older then me or not I had to ask because I wanted to win the argument.  The conversation went something like this...

Me:  You have my medical records right there in your hand so you can see my birthday.  I need to know are you older then me?

Dr: Looking around at my medical records but can't find my birthday (which now makes me wonder how well he knows how to read medical records hmm kinda scary) Ummm

Me:  OK I will just tell you.  I was born in (should I really tell you blog world or should I lie right now???) '79 (truth, I told the truth).

Dr: I was born in '79 also. 

Me: Damn

Dr: Not the reaction I was expecting.  It's the grey hair isn't it?  I look older because of my grey hair and the beard.  If I shaved then I look like I'm 17 (really 17? I don't think so) so I grow the beard to make people feel comfortable (I later find out that he is just too lazy to shave his full beard and that goatee's are too much work to keep up).

Me: I just thought that you were older then me.  What month were you born?

Dr: May

Me: Damn, wait what day?  I still have a chance to win this argument.

Damn! This is when I find out that he is a whole whopping 6 days younger then I am.  I then proceed to tell him that I am going to start calling him Junior.

Dr: Can I call you senior then?

Me: Not if you want to walk out of this office. 
*Note to reader never threaten your PODIATRIST with not being able to walk out of the office especially if they are still helping you walk.

     A few weeks after that I went to see Jr. (I will now start calling him Jr because that is what I call him at the appointments) I had developed a blood clot in my hand. While he was feeling my hand where the blood clot was I told him that everything was going to be okay I had been massaging it so that it would break up and go to my brain (I have to follow that statement with this.... I know that that is not funny to say.  I know that you are NOT supposed to massage blood clots.  I also have a mother that is a nurse and a sister that is a nurse that I had told the same joke to earlier that day.  They didn't think it was funny either) He looked at me for just a second.  I think he was trying to figure out if I was being serious or if I was telling a very distasteful joke.  Luckily he believed me when I told him it was a joke  and then I asked him very nicely to please NOT put that in my medical records (sad to say that wasn't the only time I had to ask him not to do that). He then  told me how to fix it but also wanted to consult with someone to make sure that I didn't need more medical attention then I actually did. 
     The following night while at the movies I got an voice mail that went something like this.
     Hey, this is Doctor Junior (he refused to call himself that even though I thought that it was a great nickname). I talked to my colleagues about the blood clot and aldkjflkdfj(that would be the fuzzy noise of break up on that your cell phone makes) dangerous aldkjfdlfjkd, if that happens go to the emergency room and alkdfja;ldkfjdlfj, other then that you should be fine. If you las;djfkjflkj call my office.  Thanks, Junior.
     What the hell was that? I could of died during the movie!  I am freaking going to die! Did I just hear that right he said lakdjfldsjf dangerous and falskdfj;ldkfj emergency room!  Needless to say I didn't sleep well that night nor did I go to the emergency room.
     The following day I called Juniors office and left my name and number for him to call back.  Did I hear back from Junior? No! I had to wait all weekend and call back again on Monday.  When he finally called me back this is our conversation
    
JR: Hey, I just got your message to call you what can I help you with?

Me: Um, well I just have a few questions about the message you left for me (I am at this point completely convinced that I am about to stroke out at any moment.  By the way sometimes I over react.  I am also completely surprised that I am able to stay as calm as I was right then).

JR: OK what's your question?

Me: I didn't exactly get to hear all of your message that you left me.  I heard (insert man voice here, because that is exactly what I did. I made a deep man voice and tried to talk like JR) Hey this is Jr. I talked to my colleagues about the blood clot and something, something, blah, blah, blah...(Yep I decided to go with that instead of trying to make the weird static noise that the phone makes when it breaks up.  I just thought that that would be less humiliating).

Jr: Did you just something, something, blah, blah, blah my message I left?

As you can see I didn't exactly think that one through.  I did something, something, blah, blah, blah him. Was that rude? I didn't think so.
*Note to reader Never something, something, blah, blah, blah... a message you have gotten from your doctor.  Just try to make the static noise instead.  Plus also if your a girl don't talk to him in a man voice.  No matter how good you think your man voice is, it never comes out right and you just sound ridiculous.

My new vice

     I decided last year that I needed to take up a new vice. I strongly believe that everyone needs one, two, or even six vices just to make a well rounded individual.  I already have one vice.  I drink way too much.  I will be the first to admit that. Wait let me reword that. I drink way to much Dr. Pepper. I wake up every single morning. I say my morning mantra. "I hate mornings' ( I always like to start the day off on a positive note), turn off my alarm clock, Remind my kids that they have to get their skinny butts ready for school, then head downstairs to pour myself a Dr. Pepper. The Nectar of the Gods. At least that is what I call it. I even have a catchy little song I sing in my head while I pour it into my cup.  But that could be a whole different blog post. Also I did mention it was my vice right?
     Anyway I digress, I thought about it for a while and I came up with a new vice.  I would start swearing.  When I happened to mention it on my Facebook page my friends so kindly reminded my that I already swear.  That being said I had to change my vice to start swearing..... more. That seemed more accurate anyway.
     I grew up in a land foreign to many.  Ok I grew up in Utah.  But in ways it seems foreign to many.  There all the cute little mommy's who didn't want to ruin there children would use catchy little phrases to replace the more well known phrases that contained swearing in it.   Some of my favorite things that are said there are, "Oh my heck" (I think that is strictly a Utah saying), "Holy Crap", and of course "Gosh darn it". My mom was not one of those mommy's.  To this day she will tell you that her favorite word is Shit.  She claims it describes everything , "It smells like shit", "You look like shit", "I feel like shit".  And I have to agree. That is why in part that I decided to take up swearing....  more.  I on the other hand have chosen the word Dammit.
     I knew that I had choice the right vice when one day my then 14 year old daughter said that I had woke her up in the middle of the night yelling dammit at the gingerbread houses that I was trying to put together for the kids to decorate.  This isn't the first time that my kids have caught onto my swearing and repeated what I have said.  I have a clear picture in my head of this same daughter of mine at a innocent 3 years of age yelling at me that she "CAN'T GET THE DAMN SEAT BELT ON".  Then there was this one time when my son at the ripe old age of 5 asked me "What the hell is wrong with the computer"?  He happened to say this in front of my MIL and the conversation went something like this.

5 y/o: "What the hell is wrong with the computer"'?

MIL: "What did you just say"?

5 y/o: "I said what the hell is wrong with the computer".

MIL " You shouldn't say that". Then proceeds to tell him why he shouldn't say that word at the same time staring at me for teaching him such choice words.

FIL: walks into room "What's going on? What did he say"?

MIL: "He said What the HECK is wrong with the computer".

FIL  Then proceeds to tell him why he shouldn't say that word at the same time staring at me for teaching him such choice words.

In walks BIL "What's going on? What did he say"?

I having had just about enough of this turned to my BIL and said " He said What the hell is wrong with the computer so leave him the HELL alone about it". Ahh that felt good.

    Theses are just a few times that my swearing has come back to bite me on the... well, ass.  I know what your thinking.  You are thinking that I probably didn't need to take up swearing.... more.  But you know what?  It has just kinda grown on my and I just don't know if I can quite now or even if I want to.