Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severalyy inappropriate but I sure did say it anyways. Part 4

Okay folks this is my final installment of inappropriate things I have said to Junior.  Only because the D-bag moved away without fixing me all of the way first.  This last part will mostly consist of dumb one liners I said to him.

Lets start with:
I had a mustache decal on my fingernails and when he asked what it was I told him and finished off by saying.... I have a thing for mustache's. Not in the creepy pedofile drive a windowless van kind of way, but the pop culture wore as a necklace or a photo prop kind of way.  But also with a goatie or beard or if your over 50.  Not in the Molestache March kind of way.

Talking about if I had to move back to Idaho...
I would kill myself if I had to move back to Idaho. Please don't put that in my record.

One day Junior asked me how my foot was feeling. I told him that I could answer him one of three different ways.  He could pick what way he wanted me to answer him.  I could answer him like I would tell my kids, the way I would normally answer my doctor, or the way I would answer my friends.  His choice was my friend answer.

I was blunt. I was honest and I answered with one of my favorite sayings.  It's direct and straight to the point.  "It's sucks balls!" Let me add I find this the perfect description to many a sucky  (Sucky? Suckish? yeah I will stick with sucky) things. Sucking balls is not a pleasant thing.  It's just one of those things at times you just have to suck it up (no pun intended) and get it over with.  See perfect description of many things.  The last time this was said to Junior he said something along the lines of that he didn't really know what that was like.  Of course I thought of many a things I could use as an analogy that he may be able to relate to but luckily for me my filter finally popped up (which is rare but sometimes I am given just a brief moment when someone says something that catches me off guard and I have just that brief second where heaven intervenes and my filter pops up and stops me from saying the many, many things that I think would be funny). I did tell him that I could think of many of things but they were just to crude to say out loud.  Hello like sucking balls isn't a crude thing to say. I then have to remind him that there will be no laughing while giving me an injection in the bottom of my foot.  Take my word for it... It hurts!

The very last time I talked to Junior was on the phone.  He was answering a question I had.  I interrupted him to ask...
Me: "Are you sick?"
Jr: "Yes. Why"?
Me: "You sound like a phone sex operator."
Jr: Laughing hysterically "It's got to be fun being married to you".
Me: "Yeah probably but I feel bad for my husband because he never knows what I am going to say next but that's ok because I never know either.  Sorry I always say the most inappropriate things to you."
Luckily I didn't keep going to tell him that he sounded like a tranny phone sex operator.

Back it up!

Let me set the scene.  I am at the check out line at Old Navy with my friend JoJo.  She is about to pay and the checker is about to start on my items.  I look up to find the line that had at only moments ago consisted of her and me has been bombarded with people and is now 9 people deep.
The checker at this point is now overwhelmed.  He then realises that he is going to need help.  He says frantically into his walkie talkie  "I need back up"!  I think I might have been possessed by Michael Jackson because before I know it I am saying in my best White trash voice (wait is Michael Jackson white? Never mind who really knows that answer anyway) "Back it up now! Back it up!" At the same time I moon walk backwards.  Folks I don't know how to moon walk (coincidence?) but I sure am moon walking.
After the realization of what I just did sets in I start laughing and slightly mortified at myself.  The lady behind me in line says to me "I love that you just did that.  I love even more that you were a little embarrassed of yourself just then".
That is when I realized that I didn't need to be embarrassed anymore.  Someone out there loves me and my dance moves!

Number 2 and other bathroom humor.

I have this thing with bodily functions.  They do not bode well with me.  I do not care for seeing them, hearing them, or hearing jokes about them.  I think that bodily functions should happen in the privacy of your bathroom or a room when you are all by yourself.
I was at a 4th of July celebration a couple weeks ago talking with a couple that I had just met.  They seemed like relatively normal people beside the fact that the husband would not stop talking about poop. I thought that I would handle the poop humor the good old fashion passive aggressive way and bring up something that he might feel uncomfortable with.  I turned to his wife and ask, "So uh when are we going to go see Magic Mike?" 
I was shocked to learn that she had no idea what I was talking about.  I took it upon myself to let her in on the beauty of the male form which is called Magic Mike.  "It's about male strippers.  How could you not of heard of that?"
The look and horror that crossed her face reminded me of the time I accidentally walked in on my parents having sex (I think mine was so much worse.  I could watch Magic Mike over and over again and be completely cool about it. Whereas I think I will have to poke my eyeballs out of their sockets if I have to relive that horrific night when I was a small tween at the bright ole age of 12, when all things  were right and wonderful in the world was ruined by the fact that I just didn't knock on the bedroom door.  Stupid me! Stupid, Stupid me!). You can imagine it right (the face not the my parents having sex part)? That is the look I got.
Her husband turns to me and tells me how he doesn't like this conversation.  I asked him what's not to like about Channing Tatum and Matthew Mcconaughy dancing down to their washboard abs and tight behind. I haven't really seen the movie in the theatre this is how it all goes down in my head. 
From that point I decided that I had tortured them enough with my Magic Mike talk and decided to take the high road and change the subject.  That is until Mr. Husband Man starts talking about #2 again.  Really didn't catch the hint the first time?
To which point in time I turn to his wife and tell her how we should plan a trip to Las Vegas to go and see The Thunder from Down Under.  Because we doesn't want to see that?
The poor wife stuck between my inappropriate male stripping talk and her husbands disgusting talk about the bathroom.  At this point the husband had had enough.  He turns to me and tells me that he doesn't think that this conversation is appropriate and that his wife doesn't appreciate it either.  I secretly think that he was just holding a grudge because he didn't get the lead role like he really wanted.  That was when his hopes and dreams of being a dancer were crushed. I guess next time I should be more sensitive to his hurt feelings.

Things to not say to your health care professional because it is severally inappropriate but I sure did say it anyway. Part 3

Are you just as surprised that there are 3 parts to this blog post as I am? But really there is one more after this?  .  I want to let you know that I don't always say completely inappropriate things.  Sometimes it's him.  For example at Christmas time I brought Junior and the staff at his office Christmas treats.  I was not really sure if that was a weird thing to do so I called my friend whose husband is a doctor and I asked her if her husband has received treats from any of his patients.  Her response was "Yeah but they are all old ladies."  She then proceeded to tease me about being old.  She thought it was even more amusing when she found out that the reason I brought the Christmas cookies to Juniors office when I did is because I had to pick up my orthotics.  It took her a good 10 minutes of solid laughing before she could calm down enough to carry on a conversation.  Right then and there I vowed that I would never bring treats to another Doctor again for fear of being called old.
At my next doctor's appointment Junior comes into the office and thanks me of the wonderful treats.

Me: "You're welcome I hope you liked them because you will be the last doctor that I ever bring treats to".

Jr: "What? That is ridiculous. Your food was delicious.  Why?"

I then went on to tell Junior all about the conversation with my friend to which he replied

Jr:  "Tell your friend Screw You.  Those were some of the best treats I have ever had".
I have never heard a Doctor tell their patient to tell anyone friend "Screw You"  But you sure can bet that I am going to listen very intently to what ever other doctor says to me.  I might just hear it again.  If you have heard your doctor say that or anything like it.  Let me know I am curious.

Note to readers: Do not bring your doctor food into the office unless you want everyone to think you are old.  If you are old feel free to bring it to your doctor's office.  Stop by my house on the way home and bring me some treats too!

There are many conversations that don't end up with me swearing, saying dirty things, or droppin it like it's hot.  Sometimes I just tease.
I went into Juniors office around lunch time.  I often scheduled my appointments around lunch time because it takes me about that much time to get out of the house.  Also if you live in Alaska and it has just snowed they usually have plowed the roads by then, I ended up seeing Junior later then usual and by the time my appointment was wrapping down.  Juniors stomach growled so loud that I could hear it across the room.  He was so embarrassed.  The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Was that your stomach?"

Jr: "Yes, Could you hear that?  I am so hungry."

Me:" Oh it's a good thing that I brought you a cupcake then."

Something very odd happened just then.  I saw this 32 year old man turn into a 8 year old little boy....

Jr (spoken in high pitched, excited little boy voice): "You brought me a cupcake?  I love cupcakes.  That is so nice of you.  Have you heard of Cupcake wars?  I love cupcakes so much that I watch cupcake wars."

Me: "Wow.... Ummm....  I was just kidding." I really felt bad.  I had no idea that Junior was going to have such a huge reactions to such little cupcakes.

The next month I went into his office around lunch time and decided to tease him a bit more. After all his reaction to cupcakes the first time was so funny.

Me: "Guess what? I made you a cupcake."

Jr: Turning back into the man boy that is so in love with cupcakes. "You brought me cupcakes? I love cupcakes.  I can't believe that you brought me cupcakes."

Me in hysterical laughter: "I didn't really.  I can't believe that you fell for it 2 months in a row."

Jr: "Wait you didn't bring me cupcakes?"

Me: "I really did I was just kidding."

Jr: "You really did?  I am so excited. I love cupcakes."

Me: " Seriously (still laughing)? That doesn't get less funny. But no I didn't bring you a cupcake."

Jr: "Really?" All defeated.

Me: "Yeah I really brought you a cupcake."  This time he didn't believe me.  So I didn't give him his cupcakes.

Note to reader: Some jokes really don't get old and just get funnier the more they are said.  Also if you are going to tease your doctor about cupcakes so much make sure that you do have cupcakes with you.  If not the doctor might punish you by say rescheduling  your appointment and being especially late to your next appointment. So Not Cool!

Vagina Bone

There is a little tv show on Bravo that I love.  It is called Pregnant in Heels.  Has anyone ever seen that show?  It's a reality show that follows pregnancy designer/ maternity guru Rosie Pope around and shows her interacting with clients that need some help getting ready for the births of their baby.  This weeks episode Rosie was in L.A. and one of her clients told her that her "Vagina Bone" was having issues so she went to a chiropractor who hit her "vagina bone" with a hammer.  Rosie then draws a picture of a vagina or as she refures to it a "Queen Victoria" (she's from England) and has the client demonstrate how the chiropractor performed his beating with a hammer. 
This made me think of all of the wonderful nicknames that we give our vagina so that we don't have to call it a vagina.  It starts when you are little where if your parents aren't PC they might call it a "peepee" or a "private".  As you get older the words get better like a "hoo ha", a "Cooter" or a "Muff".  And then everyone started using saying it in Hollywood and the every popular "Vajayjay" came about.  My doctor told me my baby had a "front bum".  My little boy asked when my daughter was born if she had a "china".  I am fond of the "vertical smile".
After watching Pregnant in Heels I have decided to change it up and go all proper and start calling my vagina my "Queen Victoria".  If I am going to start doing that though I need to get it vajazzled so my "Queen Victoria" can have some royal jewels of her own.